It is funny how stressed we become in our everyday life. Some days, if you heard me complaining it would sound something like this, "I dealt with so many temper tantrums today!" and "I am too tired to be awake right now! Why am I still awake?" AND "All I heard, all day long, was WHINE WHINE WHINE!" (Which is what Eric could say about his evening... this time coming from a 26 year-old wife instead of the almost 3 year-old daughter)
All of these little insignificant moments add up, and I am left thinking "Is this my life?" Allow me to reiterate the most important part of the sentence is that these things are INSIGIFICANT!
Sometimes I sit down on the couch and I completely zone out. When I was a teenager I had a friend ask me if I could shut off my brain - my answer at the time was "How could I do that?" My answer now is "Heck yes!" Miriam crying - I can't hear it. Seth waving frantically, I can't see it. Those noisy toys that annoy most parents - not me! Jumping, screaming and lots of rambunctious behaviour, and I don't even take note. I may look like I am awake - but my brain is not registering any thoughts. When I catch myself I just give my head a shake, stand-up and get back into the routine of chasing children, making food, singing songs and cutting things out for crafts.
I feel stuck here. I am 26, but somedays I feel like I am 75. I give little to no thought about what I will do when my children are off to school. I that is an eternity away. Eternity...4 years... same difference.
I have to remind myself that this is not the end for me. Although I feel like this is what I will be doing for the next 18 years, that is not exactly true. Currently when Miriam gets into trouble, she wants a BIG hug, that is not going to last forever. I'm sure that it won't be too far from now that she is slamming her bedroom door in my face.
They won't need me to wipe their bum anymore, but I will always be there to wipe their tears.
I won't be picking up all the pieces of the puzzle that was dumped on the floor, but I will always be there is pick up the pieces of a broken dream or broken heart.
They will stop asking me to pick them up and carry them, but I will always be there to pick them up when they need me.
I won't need to tell them over and over again to stop spinning until they are dizzy and running into things, but I will always try to set them straight.
Sure, this is my life now, and taking it a day at a time might help, but all these days turn into weeks and months and I wonder where my life is headed. As long as I have my family with me, I will go where ever.
My moment of perspective this week happened when I heard the news about pro skier, Sarah Burke. During training she landed a trick, fell back onto her head and is now in a coma. She is a vivacious young lady in the prime of her life, and suddenly her family is rushing to her side, hoping for the best. Sarah Burke went to Midland Secondary School, the same high school I attended. She is the same age as one of my brothers. I met and spoke to her many times in the year that we shared the same school. Although I cannot say I am or was ever her friend, she is the type of person that makes you feel welcome with just a smile.
I looked down at my baby girl and thought, she could be the next Sarah Burke. A woman respected and revered among her peers. I hope there will never be a day where I have to rush to the hospital to be by my child's side when they are in critical condition.
This is my life now, I don't sleep much. I never pee alone. I don't often get a warm meal but I am one of the lucky ones who can say my family is cared for, healthy and happy.
What is better than that?